BEST BLONDE JOKE EVER

 A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighbourhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband: "Does she realise that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should, she was standing on it."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.

"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, It's a Ferrari..."

A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and tells him that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes on her elbow and screams in agony.
She then pushes on her knee and screams, pushes on her ankle and screams...and so it goes.
No matter where she touches her agony is apparent.
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you? You're really a blonde."
She sheepishly admits that indeed she is a blonde.
"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had
something white at its rear end.
I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball... stuck right in the middle of the cow's arse. That's when I made my mistake."
"What did you do?", asks the doctor.
Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife..."Hey, this looks like yours!"

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and froze.
When he heard nothing more, after a while, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.
"Yep, " the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I am just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who the hell are you?"
"Moses, " replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?"
The bird promptly answered, "Probably the same kind of people that would name a rottweiler Jesus."

A man takes his Rottweiler dog to the vet, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there
anything you can do for him?" " Well says the vet, "lets have a look at
him".
He picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.  Finally
he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What?, because he's cross-eyed?".
"No, because he's really heavy."

Jim and roger were both patients in a Mental Hospital.  One day while they
were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the
deep end.  He sank straight to the bottom and stayed there.
Roger promptly jumped in to save him.  He swam to the bottom and pulled Jim
out.
When the Medical Director became aware of Rogers heroic act, he immediately
ordered him to be released from the hospital, as he now considered him to be
stable.
When he went to tell Roger the news, he said "Roger, I have good news and
bad news for you.  The good news is your being discharged, because when you
jumped in to save a fellow patient, it showed me you've regained your
senses.  The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with the
belt off his bathrobe in the bathroom.  I'm sorry, but he's dead.
Roger replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to
her husband that her breasts are too small.
Instead of the usual response of reassuring her, her husband
uncharacteristically comes up with a solution.  "If you want your breasts to
grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your
breasts for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything she gives it a go, and asks her husband "how long
will this take", he replies "they'll grow larger over a period of years."
The wifes stops and asks, "why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper
between my breasts every day, will make them grow larger?"
"WELL IT WORKED ON YOUR ARSE"

Two tourist were driving through Wales.
As they approached
Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch, they started
arguing about about the pronunciation of the towns name.  They argued back
and forth until they stopped for lunch.
As they stood at the counter one tourist asked an employee, "before we
order, could you please settle an arguement for us? Would you please
pronounce where we are......very slowly."
The girl leaned over the counter and said
"Burrrrrrr, Gerrrrrrrr, Kiiiiiiiing

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several
months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat
by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been
with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to
support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you
were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my
health started failing, you were still by my side...You know what?"
"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with
warmth.
"I think you're bad luck, why don't you fuck off."

What, Exactly, Are Cats?


1. Cats do what they want, when they want.

2. They rarely listen to you.

3. They're totally unpredictable.

4. They whine when they are not happy.

5. When you want to play they want to be left alone.

6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.

7. They expect you to cater to their every whim.

8. They're moody.

9. They leave their hair everywhere.

10. They drive you nuts.

Conclusion: Cats are small women in fur coats